Unfriended 2 Review

Unfriended 2 is about as scary as Cyberbu//y, which is only scary because of how bad it is. This movie might actually be worse.

Unfriended 2 is about five or six twentysomethings who accidentally invoke the wrath of the dark web. For anyone who doesn’t know, the dark web is the part of the internet that’s not accessible by traditional search engines. It’s also very hard to trace users of said web, because they’re usually quite careful about their online security. Why? Because the dark web is a hub for all kinds of illegal activities. Drug dealings, arms dealings, fake passports, assassins for hire, pretty much everything you can think of is there. This movie doesn’t really focus on any of those parts, it mostly exists to make everyone who uses the dark web out to be highly skilled murderers who are seventy steps ahead of the average person. It’s like the filmmakers realized that the dark web isn’t glamorous or exciting, so they sensationalized everything to the point of being violently unrealistic. Which, had we been dealing with the supernatural, that might have been okay. We are not. This movie expects us to believe that these random dark web users have the same coordination and connections as a government superpower.

Before I get too far into the things I didn’t like, let me talk about the things I did like. There aren’t many, but there are a couple. This movie isn’t as infuriating as the first (mostly because it was funny). The way the main character operates his computer is a tiny bit better than the main character in the first one. In the first movie, the main character turns on her screensharing and then never turns it off. The movie subsequently forgets that she didn’t turn it off, and she has private conversations with her boyfriend that she doesn’t want the other call members to see despite the fact that if the movie had a brain, one of her friends would have told her “hey dumbo, your screensharing is still on and I saw everything you said about me.” This movie doesn’t do that. Another thing, the last movie randomly muted the Skype audio when the character clicked off it, despite the fact that that’s not how computers work. It instead shows him muting Skype or it fades out the audio as the main character’s focus is drawn away from the call. This is fine on its’ own, but you can rest assured knowing that this movie finds a way to mess it up.

Ah, I’m losing track of positivity. Before I fully commit to tearing this movie to shreds, lemme find one more positive thing…

The main character’s girlfriend is supposed to be deaf and they actually hired a deaf person.

Alright, let’s annihilate this piece of garbage.

Remember when I mentioned that this movie managed to mess up the one smart thing they did? That’s due to a final twist that I’m not going to spoil simply out of principle, so ask me about it if you want to know. Don’t worry, I can tell you a billion other things this movie does poorly. Something curious I found was that the characters seem to have an ability to teleport? Characters will often jump-cut to different expressions or positions, and it feels like the filmmakers didn’t think anyone would notice? It’s really obvious and lazy. I have a simple fix: Cut less, and if you need to cut, put someone else’s face over the cut. Wait, I’ve completely forgotten to describe how this movie was filmed.

This movie is filmed to look like it’s taking place on a computer. They got some actors and some GoPros and had them read the script out in one take in different rooms. The whole movie isn’t one take, but you can get an absurd amount of footage from one day. This should have some incredible performances in it, right? The editor can very easily and subtly cut from one take to another, and they can only use the best takes if they wanted. While this movie has better performances than the first one, it’s nowhere close to fulfilling the potential that this concept has. That’s probably also due to the awful writing.

I truly believe that no one used their brains when writing this one. The sheer amount of plotholes and boneheaded decisions/characters is so numerous that I’m amazed I wasn’t annoyed the whole time. There are many scenes where a dark web person uses Facebook messenger to talk to the main character, but he’s using the main character’s girlfriend’s account. “How’d she not notice?”, you might ask. Well, that’s because the dark web user sends black text bubbles that automatically delete themselves once an interaction has reached its’ logical conclusion. They really expected people to believe that. Throughout the whole movie, the main character is sort of held hostage by the dark web users. If he doesn’t follow their instructions, they will kill his girlfriend. Sure, okay, I can buy that. They show a dark web user in her house, it’s believable. It’s also established that they can see everything the main character does on his computer, so trying to direct message anyone in the Skype call isn’t gonna work. However, there is LITERALLY NOTHING stopping him from taking his mobile cellular smart device that he owns with his own two able hands and using it to text 911, his friends, or his girlfriend. Nothing stopping him. No one’s monitoring what he’s doing there, so he could have ended the movie at any point by texting 911 and saying “this idiot just gave me every piece of evidence I need to shut this whole operation down! Go to my girlfriend’s house and arrest this gumby of a human!”. They don’t even attempt to address this issue, they just pretend that no one has a cell phone for most of the movie.

We’re just getting started. There’s a character who gets swatted (a fake call was made to a police station describing a situation that would require a SWAT team to go to his house) and shot by police because the dark web hackers hack his speakers to make a shotgun loading sound as he’s walking over to them. You know what would have saved his life? If he had gotten on the ground like a normal human being. This madman gets swatted and decides that the best course of action to take is to walk towards the armed men? Brilliant thinker we got here. Another character walks to a train station after reporting what’s happening to the police and winds up getting pushed into the tracks. This is more excusable, but the scene is utterly hilarious. The guy pushing her into the train also manages to throw himself in front of the train. This isn’t a suicide cult, this guy just sucked so bad that he managed to get himself killed in the process. In that same scene, a character’s mom dies. How? I have no idea. They show security camera footage of her on life support and she just… dies? The heart monitor flatlines for literally no reason. They give no explanation for this. It’s kind of funny. A character is hit by a truck, but the dark web people must have hacked the engine because it doesn’t make any sound until it enters the frame. The whole movie is full of moments like this, moments where you question what they were thinking, or if they were thinking at all.

Most of my notes are just detailing stupid things about this movie. If I were to write out everything I noted, it would be a very repetitive review, but what do you want from me? This isn’t a normal movie. It’s not something I can look at as I usually do. It’s so barebones in terms of filmmaking that the only thing I can really look at is the writing. But the writing sucks. There’s only so many times I can write that down, so I gotta focus on specifics. This is a garbage movie. It does almost nothing right. As a horror movie, it’s an utter waste of time. As a comedy, it’s pretty funny, but not really worth more than one watch. It is a shocking show of incompetency that has no business existing in the state it does. Do not watch it.

2/10.

Up next: Rocks.

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